Friday, November 4, 2011

Surf City Marathon

Have you ever had such a bad headache that once it was gone, you felt better than If you had never had it? That describes, pretty well, how I feel right now.
Chris and I finished the run one year ago on Wednesday. It's been an interesting, and quite honestly, a tough year. Ive struggled with setting a new goal, which for me and most people reading this, I'm sure, is a must to keep my sanity. My only real goal for the last year has been to see how much of the beer, that I've been brewing, I can drink every night. Of course, I'm pretty good at hunkering down and achieving the goals that I set for myself..... this probably hasn't been the best thing to spend my time on.

Depression!

Since I have been back from the run, I have become FASCINATED with history, particularly American history. Seeing so many amazing places across this country, especially east of the Mississippi, has given me a voracious appetite to learn as much as I can about our past as a nation. In my studies, I have been especially interested in the Lewis and Clark expedition. For obvious reasons, I am intrigued by their story of crossing this country. It's easy to draw a parallel between theirs and our journey, although, I will concede that even though the "Galt" and the baby jogger and Chris's bike and trailer were harsh conditions, they didn't compare to what Lewis and Clark encountered on their journey west. But what is no doubt the same no matter when and how you embark on such a long trip, is how you are forced to look inward and confront yourself, sometimes what you see is good, sometimes it's not so good. Also, the things that everyone gets accustomed to, the daily routine where your own little world, with it's trivial details, becomes drastically stripped away and suddenly, it's hard not to see the bigger picture. The TV doesn't matter, who's ON the TV, REALLY doesn't matter. How many toys you have or how nice your clothes are, just doesn't seem important. It's hard to step back into "regular life" where those priorities are crammed down everyone's throat 24/7. It's easy to feel like an alien at times.
I've told the story of all the people that tried to hand me money when I was pushing the baby jogger. They thought I was homeless. It makes me think sometimes. "Homeless"?? It has such an automatic negative connotation to it. I'm not talking about freezing, starving people here, with children, looking for shelter. But I would venture to guess that there a a good number of people who CHOOSE to be "homeless". They are "dropping out" if you will, from the rat race that has been created as a result of the industrial revolution. I've seen a documentary on this and there were several people who said it. They don't want to play the game. And I understand. The rat race is a hard thing to go back to and it's hard not to ask "why?" Even though it was way back in 1809, I wonder if these weren't some of the feelings Lewis and Clark had? Sadly, Meriwether Lewis shot himself. Luckily, I haven't been that depressed.

Selfish

I've talked about it before, I believe that the thing that I needed to discover about myself, and I DID, in a REALLY BIG WAY! Was how selfish I've been my entire life.
One of the hardest things for me, has always been to find balance. In this case, it has been about being strong, being true to yourself, not letting people get in your way, being goal oriented and accomplishing anything at all costs!! But, in doing so, I realized out on the run, that I have hurt many people over the years, not caring how they've felt, only caring about myself. It wasn't malicious, it's that my priorities were wrong. I thought that the ends justified the means and that if I could achieve everything that I wanted, I could provide everything to the people that I loved. There's that saying "The road to ruin is paved with good intentions".

It's easy to only think of yourself. More so now, with the "Me Generation" and our reality shows, facebook feeds and twitter feeds all about US. Even my blog, is mostly about me. We have slogans "If it feels good do it!" Or my new favorite "Follow your heart". Which the more I think about it, is just an excuse for people to do whatever they want, often ignoring any commitment they have made. Like they need to do whatever it is that they are being lead to do by some inner voice. I've always listened to that voice inside me, but I've also argued with it when I need to. When we have people like Kim Kardashian (who I have no kind words for) saying that she "followed her heart" and filed for divorce 72 days after getting married. Clearly, not everyone should be listening to their heart.

Of course, listening to your heart can be a really good thing. Again, it's all about balance. As it's never good to hurt someone else. It's also not good to hurt yourself. In my pursuit of being "selfless" I managed to lose myself. It's been nobody's fault but my own. I stopped thinking about me and what I wanted. I stopped communicating with friends. I stopped dreaming about the future. I stopped living, basically. I was waiting.... waiting for something that I had no control over. I've always told my daughters that the best way you can be good for someone, is to be the best person you could be. Here I was, not taking my own advice. Finding that balance is hard. For me, it is being strong, motivated, goal oriented and driven, without hurting anyone in the process.

So, why am I laying this all out in my blog? Because I know we all deal with this in some form or another. If you do endurance sports, you've no doubt wondered if all of your training is taking too much time away from your family. Or if the hobbies you do are worth the time you devote to them, etc. My conclusion is to exercise "rational self interest". I think of it this way, if a plane is going down, and you have a baby next to you, it's better to take the first breath from the oxygen mask, so you can keep giving oxygen to the baby. That's not being selfish, that's balance!

So, I've finally started thinking about me again and registered for my first big race since being back. I'm doing the Surf City Marathon on February 5th. Pretty cool since this was my first Marathon back in 2007. It feels great to be training for a race and have a training schedule in my calendar! It also feels good to be me again, this time, hopefully keeping all of my priorities in order.